I Survive Each Day In Order To Make You Look Better

Nary a day passes when I don’t wish that I had posted something new here on the parka-butt blog.  This is more evidence that my ambitions don’t produce the fruit that one generally hopes for when they think of their personal character and discipline.

Discipline is for unruly toddlers and training circus poodles.  Duh.

When C and I first got married and I was jobless, cat-less, and moderately hopeless, I tried to teach myself to play the guitar (something I still wish I could do), in hopes of creating some sort of personal forward-movement.  My string-picking days lasted for, well… let’s just say that my fingertips didn't even have enough time to calluses over.  

When I was in college, I held to a pretty consistent workout schedule.  Sound like willpower?  It does, doesn’t it?  That is, until you realize that I did this in order to eat vast mountains of ice cream with my roommates and regularly down a half-dozen Krispy Kreme donuts by myself.  (mixed selection, if you’re wondering).  Oh - I also beat my now-husband in an eating contest at White Castle, just in case this point needed reinforcement. 

 Mind if I finish that?

Now that I think of it, when I was in high school, I actually had quite a bit more perseverance than I do now, which is to really say that my character has taken a serious nosedive since the age of 15. 

I started playing JV basketball as a freshman – I’m still not sure why – and I never stopped.  I hated basketball.  I was consumed in hot, angry tears over it on more occasions that I dare admit, but still, I just couldn’t quit.  For all you 8^th graders out there, this is NOT a way to spend four years.   To make matters worse, I was awful: an elbow-swinging, freakishly terrified-of-the-basket, rule-violating madwoman with a mouth guard the size of a boomerang.

As we say amongst our friends, I was the show.

But at least I wasn't this guy.

I dated a young man in high school for a couple of years who was a relational train wreck, and gave him far too many chances for far too long.   I still don’t know if he was actually in it for my anxious, antisocial personality – it could have been my boomerang wielding face and cool wardrobe (read: a fair amount of dad’s military-issue clothing) that reeled him in - but for some reason, I didn’t mind that he went out with other girls and stole stuff.   

Fortunately, this young mustang grew up to be a pretty great guy (and was actually fairly kind, considering he was a hound at the time and I was afraid of the general populace), so I still consider this episode a win-win.

These days, I quit half-way through almost everything, from putting on makeup (quickly translates to putting on mascara) to reading books and completing projects.  In fact, I just started a wall-hanging project yesterday, so you can start making your wagers on whether or not I finish. 

My money’s on the other guy.  

Show Me The Money

It’s hard to know which of the following make today an exceptional day:  the real beginning of March Madness, or St. Patrick’s Day. 

Call me naive, but I didn’t entirely realize that gambling is illegal until my husband informed me this morning (I blame my sister.  Why?  No reason).  All this NCAA bracket business, and you can’t actually put money on it??  Where’s the fun in that?  I’ve bet on March Madness before, while working in a youth detention facility, within the United States, knowing nothing about the teams.  Which is the real crime here? 

Anyway, for those of you like me who didn’t know yet, gambling is in fact, illegal. So, act fast and put away that five bucks you’re about to add to the office pool – the CIA’s coming to take you down.

Since we've covered gambling, here is a list of other laws I find suprising:

• Shotguns must be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.  This law comes from Maine, and therefore should surprise no one.
• In Utah, no person may have “relations” in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency.  So it’s ok as long as you’re going to McDonald’s?
• When using interstate 95, every container truck is required to occasionally carry miniature watercraft.  This is not actually true, but I took the photo below on Tuesday.  The boat measured under ten inches, and it totally made my day.  

My, what tiny cargo you have.

• If you're in Alderson, West Virginia, you may not walk your lion, tiger, or leopard, even if it’s on a leash.
• It is illegal to push a live moose out of an airplane if you're flying over Alaska. 
• In Blairstown, New Jersey, no street sign may be staked that could “obscure the air”.  This from the state that doesn’t let you pump your own gas.  If the regional I.Q. was in question before, this certainly cleared that up.

And finally, my personal favorite, also from the great state of Maine: After January 14^th, you must have removed your Christmas decorations, or you will face a fine.

Uh.

You must be joking.  Enforcing this law would be like trying to block a charging rhino using oven mitts. 

You're never

going

to stop it. 

 www.namibian.org

And you're never going to collect those fines either - you can kiss that budget surplus goodbye.

So fill out your bracket and throw 10 bucks in the pool.  Then put on a green shirt and go take your leopard for a walk in West Virginia.  

Take advantage of the holiday and live a little.