Reason #989 Why I'm Glad To Be A Grownup

I'm not sure why this crossed my mind today, perhaps because I was perusing a friend's baby registry, but I was again reminded why I am so perfectly happy to be an adult, and in this particular case, over the age of two.  Here's why.  We'll start with a shopping list.

Go with me, here.

Shopping list:
  • 1 roll of tape (preferably painter's tape, but I suppose electrical or duct tape would suffice)
  • 1 large Hefty outdoor trash bag
  • 1 pair brief underwear (men's, women's or underoos... any will do)
  • 1 ladies' maxi pad 

 (There are some further instructions for the pad purchase.  The purchased item must be classified as at least "super" absorbency, if not "ultra super-duper".  You must purchase the cheapest brand, and if you are going to be traveling by air soon, the ones that they keep in the plane's lavatory are perfect.  This thing should give you the mental image of bouncing on a bed.)

  • A ticket to the nearest outdoor or indoor water park
  • sandpaper
  1. Night before:  eat a big dinner, with lots of leafy green vegetables.
  2. Morning of: eat a nice farmers breakfast (eggs, sausage, bacon, homefries and coffee).
  3. After breakfast: insert maxi pad into briefs.  
  4. Insert legs into briefs.  Pull up.
  5. Tear two leg holes into the bottom of the Hefty bag.  
  6. Insert legs into and through the trash bag.
  7. Tape each seam of the leg holes, which should now be around your thighs, very close to your underoos.
  8. Tape around your waist, being sure to snugly secure the bag around your NATURAL waist (ladies...).
  9. Scrape the sandpaper against the hefty bag.  Do this in various locations.
  10. Rip little tears in the seams of the tape.
  11. Drive to water park.  You should only be wearing your Hefty bag, along with a shirt and maybe some flip flops.  You also may need to pay off/ persuade/ bribe with snacks the employee at the entrance to said water park.
  12. Slide.  Slide like you've never slid before.
  13. Do it again.
  14. When your Hefty is sufficiently torn and seems to be taking on water, slide one more time.
  15. Drive home.  In your Hefty bag.
  16. Head to the bathroom. 
  17. Clean your Hefty bag [hoping desperately that you were able to "hold it" after that farmer's breakfast this morning, but if not, this will only emphasize the seriousness of my argument]. 
This is life with a diaper.  And if it's a cloth diaper, you get to do this again in a couple of days.  Wearing the same pair. 

Next time I complain about renewing my driver's license or paying taxes, remind me to read this. 

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