Showing posts with label spiders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spiders. Show all posts

7.01.2011

Have Wheels, Will Travel

And here we are.

It wasn’t the easiest move, nor was it the hardest.  It wasn’t particularly graceful and yet we’ve emerged on the other side in a fairly seamless progression.  C and I are the new summer residents of a roughly 30-foot long travel trailer.  Now, before you chuckle too hard, keep in mind that this may very well be our most technologically advanced camp home.  It certainly gleams in comparison with our first. 

About six months after C and I tied the knot, we - with the help of our family - packed all of our worldly possessions into a small U-Haul truck and a station wagon (something impossible to consider now).  We drove northwest to the Hudson Valley of New York state, and ultimately reached a tiny hillside outside of a wonderfully hippie college town, where one could reliably find organic local produce and [I imagine] illegal substances in large supply. 

We were starting work for an organization that served adults and youth from New York City, and in particular, C and I were going to help design and run a summer camp program for kids who had generally never seen more green space than the manicured landscape of Central Park.  This was an adventure that could easily be its own blog post, so what I really want to focus on today is simply the fascinating nature of our living quarters. 

The family that we went to work with spent a humbling amount of man-hours and effort into converting a summer-only nurse’s station into a winterized cabin for a young set of newlyweds.  They installed a propane wall heater, put in appliances (3/4 size refrigerator, half-oven), and even converted an outdoor shed into an indoor closet (a 4’X4’ space that held our hanging clothes, pantry, a bookshelf, aquarium and various instruments of cookery).  They painted walls, spread gravel for a parking space, and even gave us a welcome basket for a housecabinwarming gift.  It was a startling illustration of overwhelming kindness.

Despite the love and kindness that was poured into our first freestanding home, other things were also pouring in.  And pouring out.  First were the spiders: giant, fat ones the size of a quarter (found in the closet) and tiny, feathery ones that crawled up and out of the rusty shower drain. There were the ants and beetles that I would find on/behind my mattress at night before bed.  Soon I was performing rigorous “bug checks” on a near paranoia-inducing basis. If we had lived there for more than six months, I suspect that I would have developed a substantial mental illness.   This was before the day I stomped in the hallway and a bumblebee flew out of the floor.

This is my favorite spot in Vermont.  Also, not our house.

When I mention that there were things pouring out, I did not mean to suggest that the insects and arachnids that were waltzing into our cabin were dancing their way out as well.  Although I’m sure they were, what eventually game drizzling – no, wait – projecting out of the side of our cabin was an embarrassing amount of foul-smelling, unsightly sewage.  It turns out that this little seasonal getaway was moderately unprepared for two full-time residents with regular bowel movements. I was unprepared for what would come to spew from beneath our bathroom floor.  Our saint-of-a-maintenance director spent hours, perhaps days, working with his son to install a plumbing line that would permit us to introduce fruits and vegetables back into our diet.

So, as I mentioned, we have now found ourselves in a house with wheels.  And yes, as a friend commented today, I married not a man, but an adventure.  And yet the reality of home is to be found and loved, but whether that truth lies on a poured foundation, the sands of a shanty town, or on a set of Goodyear tires is left to the heart of the subject.  If life is the canvas, and experiences are the paint, then I want a story that rivals the sunset.

So go grab your paintbrush and let’s take this show on the road.

4.05.2011

In Over My Head

I like to think that each of us has a small list of terrors that we’ve never been able to mentally conquer.  I know I do.  They say that a person should never live in fear, but I feel confident that intermittent moments of panic can keep life exciting as well as promote advances in human ingenuity.  For example, if no child had ever been afraid of monsters, would we have night-lights?

I think not.

This is my fear shortlist.  Feel free to leave a comment containing yours - or we could just wait for that fateful day when we bump into each other at the beach and suddenly find ourselves being chased into the water by giant nutcracker dolls.  

So, what fills my nightmares, you ask?

Spiders – I don’t care if they are big, small, hairy, spindly, bright, dull, strung on a web or trapped in a cage.  If it has eight legs, I hate it, and will readily baptize it in the raging river of an American Standard.  No exceptions.

Deep water – I do love me some tropical beach, so please understand that I’m not referring to the deep end of a pool or bodysurfing on icy Atlantic waves.  What I’m talking about is black-as-night, teeming with evil jellyfish, great white shark-infested waters.  You like free diving?  Fabulous.  Swimming the English Channel for a charity?  Send me a support letter.   But I’d rather ride a bicycle made of bacon through a pack of rabid dogs than dip my toe in the Bermuda Triangle.   

www.thatwouldsuck.blogspot.com
No.  Possible.  Way.

Skin diseases – I know that there must be a reader out there who is dealing with a destructive and painful epidermal affliction.  I am so genuinely sorry, but if I were to leave this number off of my list, I would be lying to you.   I like to give blood.  I loved dissection in A & P lab.  I didn’t even mind taking a course in disease and pathology (that is, aside from the searing cognitive plutonium known as STD slides – if we were to start showing these images in 6th grade health class, teen pregnancy would instantly be a non-issue).  I even like watching surgeries on television.  However, if there is one thing that I cannot stand the mental (let alone visual) picture of, it’s covered under the umbrella of skin disease.  I can deal with eczema, psoriasis, or even poison ivy, but when you start using adjectives like flaky, scaly, and puss-filled in the same sentence, my mind starts melting down like chocolate in August and I have to start singing America’s Top 40 to fend of the shakes. 

Lurkers – Whenever I arrive at our house down south, my first act is always to go find my trusty baseball bat under the bed, and to walk in and out of every room (checking in every closet and under every bed) to be sure that I have no lurkers lying in wait for me.  The other week I drove home without C, and due to the intense creakiness of our house combined with baseboard heaters and with my overactive imagination, I fell asleep in a half-seated position with my right hand clutching my bat.  I had even planned out the best manner by which to thrust it upon waking, should the need arise.  If you try to play on this fear for a good laugh, be warned.  I will swing at you.  And it will be your fault.

www.awidernet.com

There are more fears where this list came from, but these are the majors, and I’ve reached a necessary-stopping point.  I Googled “skin disease” to try to come up with better verbal imagery for you, and the images that popped up may leave me unable to speak.  Permanently.

You’re welcome.

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