So, what kind of Valentine's Day message do I have for you, Faithful Reader?
Your most important job today is not to bring clever handmade cards to your friends, though these would be my choice if there's no way you can avoid it.
Your job isn't to make a heart-shaped cake for your sweetie, either. It might turn out well, but the odds are stacked against you. Plus, if you're over ten years old, you don't get the cute factor.
Lastly - and please tuck this gem in your back pocket - it's not a wise move to give your secret love interest that "it seemed like a good idea at the time" gift. You know the sort I'm talking about. Remember, the Beast gave Belle a library. The Prince brought Cinderella her lost shoe. Aladdin gave the genie his freedom. A good gift is a well-planned gift.
And a well-planned gift involves a little, you know, planning. So don't give your girlfriend pants that would fit a 12-year old and don't give your man a bottle of Rogaine.
But above all, don't give anyone a pair of these. That is what we call "stepping on dangerous ground".
But M, you haven't told me anything that I can do! True.
Well, friends, here are my plans.
My primary responsibility this Valentine's Day is to stock up on red hot candies and conversation hearts. Red hots are a perfect heart-shaped treat any day of the year, but nothing brings on a flurry of romantic fireworks like three pastel Sweethearts sugar-glued to the bathroom mirror in mid-October:
(u rock) (hot stuff)
Just call me Cupid.