I think that we women are particularly adept at avoiding prickly little realities, but you guys can let me know if men feel this way too. It stings to recognize that probably I should trim my nose hairs, or I really am sinfully late for everything. Perhaps like me, you’ve beaten around this bush by employing phrases like the following:
- I wake up late because I’m naturally a night owl, and 8 hours is doctor-recommended, isn't it?
- I chew with my mouth open because of my jaw problem (I’ve heard that a million times).
- Thick ankles are hereditary on my dad’s side.
- I have to pee exceedingly often, and I can’t figure out why. I think my kidneys, neglecting their proper duties, are off hosting speed-dating events or running bounce-house birthdays, and one day they’ll be as trashed as a Foxwoods suite after a bachelorette party, only way more important. I’ll need an ambulance and dialysis for-like-ever. Or a catheter. Ugh.
Well then, what’s a girl [or guy] to do? Friends, let’s start a revolution. Let’s just call it like it is:
- I stay up hours too late watching Iron Chef and Seinfeld reruns. That’s why I don’t get up early – because I live like a child.
- I chew with my mouth open because of my jaw problem (ok, I believe you).
- I HAVE CHUNKY ANKLES. No one knows why, and these pegs don’t seem to be going anywhere, so I’m sensitive about it. Lay off.
- I need to stop shamelessly drinking 8 cups of coffee. At breakfast.
I want to remind us that there’s no need to be a martyr to that dark widow’s peak you were born with or that annoying habit of counting the light fixtures when you enter a room. Just show your cards – “I have a serious widow’s peak, and no one will die over it”, or, “I call it 'my OCD', but really I'm dipping my toe into the Crazy River”. No one is going to post your news on a billboard. They aren’t going to start texting your friends: She’s a doughy mess!! Tape this pic to your mirror and you’ll start eating salad, like now.
At least I don’t think they’ll do this.
So what I’m saying is, let’s call a spade a spade. Ladies, let’s get a little bit more secure and develop a slightly tougher skin. It's not worth it when I unintentionally shoot juice through the Michael Strahan-sized gap between my two front teeth and then blubber out of the room when someone lets a fart slip because they’re giggling so hard. It just isn't.
He really is one of my heroes. The man's a Fox football analyst, for crying out loud. His gap is probably insured.
And what’s so wrong with cankles or gaps or sleeping in? The earth will continue to revolve, the hungry will still need feeding, our friends will still love us (and periodically laugh when a stalk of celery gets completely wedged in our front teeth), and we will be better off for letting these things - which in the scope of life, truly are small – slide off our backs, so that we can tackle the true joy and work of life.
And when you have second thoughts on whether thigh dimples are funny, just check out the cheeks on a 6 month old. Be sure you get the o.k. from their parents first. Otherwise, you didn't hear it from me.