I have been prompted to discuss my two, ahem, favorite forms of footwear which were both so beautifully displayed on a recent trip through the local college campus.
I find it rather ironic their creator named them Uggs. As in “ugly” or “Uggh, what have I done?!”. Before you say, “But they’re sooooooo comfortable”, let me remind you how much you paid for these oh-so-comfy shoes. A pair can cost you well over $200 dollars. Even the slippers cost about $100. And also, I bet Bart Simpson slippers are that comfortable – You’re just not ready to wear a face to the mall.
So, do you live in the arctic? No? Then why on God’s green earth would you spend two hundred dollars on the ugliest footwear ever made? You know why. They’re trendy. That’s right, I’m calling a spade a spade, and I’m ok with it. Honestly, I haven’t even gotten started yet. The worst thing about Uggs is the way these things are worn. It’s like an episode of What Not to Wear. You know what goes great with a short skirt? Uggs. How about skinny jeans? Uggs. Legging throwback to the 80’s; why not try a pair of Uggs? Sweatpants look so much sexier when you throw on a pair of - you guessed it – Uggs.
These beauties, which I admit may be practical in countries dominated by ice and snow eleven months of the year, are only surpassed by the most laughable concept ever introduced as footwear.
The Shape-Up shoe / Easy-Tone Sneakers / Make-you-feel-tall-and-unbalanced shoe.
These hot tamales are anything but hot. But honestly, some guy in advertizing really did nail it with this one. “I have an idea, let’s make a shoe that is basically like standing on a ball, and market it to people as a fitness tool”. People love fitness gadgets. Ever heard of the Shake Weight? Hawaiian Hula Chair? I rest my case. We are American, after all. If you tell us that we can “tone up” or “lose weight” without changing anything but our shoes, giddy up – you’re gonna get our business. We’re all about getting something for nothing, after all.
These shoes actually illicit my rage when I see them or even hear someone talk about them. If you’ve recently told me about your great new pair of Easy-Tones, and how much you love them, I probably smiled and looked calm and serene (thank you yoga), but inside I was seething and wanted to tell you how crazy you were for buying into such retail nonsense. At least in this case however, owners generally do recognize the sheer hideousness of the things occupying their feet.
If you still choose to wear your Shape-Ups despite the study done by the American Council on Exercise proving all claims to be unfounded, be my guest. Enjoy the Achilles tendonitis.
And if you have a pair and I’ve offended you, accept my insincere apology.
You can kiss my Merrill’s.